Finding The Ideal Partner

Since adopting my beloved dog Benji last month, I have found myself thinking about how the Internet (petfinder.com, specifically) made it so easy to find him. The same can’t be said about finding a mate.

A Perfect Match: Benji and me

I’ve often said that online dating is like the Powerball–there are the lucky few who win and then there’s the rest of us. I truly hit the jackpot with Benji. He was my first choice of just two dogs I liked online. Just three weeks later, he was officially my fur baby. No hesitation on his part or mine, no second guessing or thinking there’s something better out there. Just gratitude and joy that we found each other.

When it comes to online dating, constant questioning and interminable searching are par for the course. For as much as it enables you to meet people you wouldn’t otherwise, it has also made dating a commodity–engendering the idea that someone better is always right around the corner and diminishing the value of mutual chemistry. Not to mention causing a certain degree of apathy about putting in the effort it takes to make a good first impression.

Case in point–I recently exchanged emails with a boating aficionado who suggested meeting after work for coffee or drinks. He suddenly shifts gears and proposes I meet him out of the city for an afternoon of sailing. Which would be lovely–with someone who wasn’t a total stranger. When I demurred, he griped that he was “tired of having to prove” he has good intentions.

Then there was Mark, the divorced dad of two who actually did plan a great first date, choosing a cozy bar and lounge on the Lower East Side. Conversation and compliments flowed freely. Apart from his lengthy tangent about other online dating experiences–another unfortunately common and decidedly unromantic post-modern practice–it was a perfect evening. We walked and talked for hours and even kissed goodnight.

He texted the next day and several times while he was out of town. Upon his return, he was pretty effusive during our second date–telling me he was taking his profile down (which he did), talking about going away together, etc etc. Experience has taught me to be wary when someone comes on too strong too quickly, and alas, it turned out I had reason to be.

Mark proceeds to disappear for a week, resurfacing with this text–

“How’s your weekend going cutie?!”

He said he wanted to see me and he would call me later that day.

I never heard from him again.

That’s the thing about dating, especially online dating, today. It doesn’t matter if you (seem to) have a connection with someone. Because most singles believe they can just log on and find the next distraction. And in New York, for better and worse, there’s no stigma attached to being single. Which creates a kind of Peter Pan mindset.

God knows being unmarried and childless certainly isn’t a tragedy of epic proportions. What it is for me, though, is an unnerving irony. Not just because I have put so much into looking for a life partner, but because the lasting relationship gene is literally in my DNA.

My late parents had the kind of enduring love that exemplifies happily ever after. Both of my brothers have been devotedly married for many years, while my sister is in a happy long term relationship. Sometimes, it’s hard to be the last solo sibling standing.

All this is not to say that I have not had great romance and big love in my life. I have felt it and received it in return. During our early days together, an old boyfriend once said to me —

“People live a lifetime on less than what we’ve already shared.”

I’m thankful for these experiences. And, after the terrible depression and upheaval I’ve been through over the last year, I am no longer allowing my single status to define me. I am, as my wise mother always encouraged, learning to be content with what I have. My health. Amazing family and friends. A job I adore. The best dog.

And, of course, my most longstanding love–NYC.

Farewell To 2014

With 2014 drawing to a close, I’m feeling the inevitable wistfulness that accompanies turning the calendar page. It’s been a year of breakthroughs and new beginnings for me — on several fronts.

As always, family and friends were by my side for all of 2014’s milestone moments. From celebrating the big 4-0 in January to making the front page of The New York Times’ travel section in August, my nearest and dearest made the joys sweeter and the sorrows infinitely more bearable.

3ofUs

Celebrating the big 4-0 with my brothers Ray (left) and Steve

For the first time, I found myself seriously considering a move out of New York. But after multiple trips to potential new hometown L.A., I realized it was a change of perspective and not a change of zip code that I needed. The experience of attending Oprah’s The Life You Want event in September hastened this long overdue mental shift.

Oprah

Oprah!

The two-day event at Newark’s Prudential Center offered wisdom and inspiration from Miss O, Rob Bell, Mark Nepo, Elizabeth Gilbert and Iyanla Vanzant. One of the mantras that truly hit a nerve came from Iyanla–

“The life you want is on the other side of the labor pains to birth it.”

That’s when I finally (!) realized I have literally been living in the past. And so began the cathartic process of changing my home from being about my deceased parents to being a reflection of me. Repainting, decluttering and discarding has never felt so good.

Of course, no recap of the last 12 months would be complete without reflecting on my love life. This year, I have been reminded several times that people appear, and in some cases, reappear exactly when they’re supposed to. 2014 gave me the opportunity to make amends and reconnect with two significant others.

Just before Thanksgiving, I was reunited with someone special I dated last year. During a wonderful evening together, we effortlessly picked up right where we left off. I apologized for the times that I wrongfully held him accountable for previous romantic disappointments. As always, he responded with understanding and tenderness – reaffirming for me how fortunate I am to know him.

More recently, I heard from an ex-boyfriend I dated when I was in my twenties and then again briefly nine years ago. He too gave me and taught me so much during the time we were together. He made the most of the connection we had while completely respecting that we were at different stages of life.

When we reconciled back in 2005, I was recovering from a recent breakup and ended up hurting him as a result. I should have reached out to him sooner to say how badly I felt about it. Being the wonderful person he is, he took the initiative instead – giving me the opportunity to express my remorse and reiterate how much I will always value what we’ve shared over the years.

I am ending 2014 exactly where I should be, with a clean slate emotionally and the desire to look forward and not back. Maybe life really does begin at 40.

Happy New Year!

NYC Gal Picks For Singles: Get Me A Guy & Bravo’s New Dating Show

Last weekend, I headed down to the East Village for brunch with my dear friend Jenn—and a performance of the new comedy Get Me A Guy.

A scene from Get Me A Guy Get Me a Guy (Photo courtesy: Alexander Fabozzi)

The briskly paced, broadly acted 80-minute ensemble show is a hilarious, incisive look at the ups and downs of dating today, seen through various vignettes. There’s the nebbishy surgeon desperate for a relationship but, as he tells a female friend, only with someone who satisfies everything on his lengthy checklist. We also meet a girl who reconnects with a guy she feels guilty about rejecting years ago—only to discover he doesn’t remember her. Then there’s the bachelorette who regularly goes out with a single male friend while remaining oblivious to his feelings for her.

In every scenario, two common themes emerge—rampant miscommunication and unreasonable expectations, the latter of which is amplified in the (admittedly cheesy) musical number from which Get Me A Guy takes its name. The show repeatedly asks, have singles become so picky and set in their ways that it’s almost impossible to find a lasting connection?

A pair of sweet closing scenes depicting elderly couples make the case for having a less demanding mindset. We see that, in the end, perfection isn’t a prerequisite to lasting companionship. Get Me A Guy is an entertaining romp, one I highly recommend for a girls day/night out.

If you’re feeling especially adventurous when it comes to meeting new people, Bravo TV wants to hear from you. The network is looking to schedule daters for current cast members in a new series called The Singles Project.

TSPFlyer

Want to go on a (televised) date with one of these people?

According to a casting producer, the show is based around New Yorkers, their careers, social circles and dating.

“Essentially, it’s a lifestyle show that highlights dating in New York City,” she told me. “There are no rose ceremonies, no matchmaker advice, nothing contrived. Everything is done very organically.”

Though I don’t know how organic any reality show can really be, one thing about The Singles Project impresses me. Unlike most of these programs, there’s no age limit — i.e. you don’t have to be twentysomething to participate. For more information about how to apply, visit the show’s website or email carissa@thehousethatcastingbuilt.com.

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